Clubs

Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine joined "The Club". This is not a club that meets weekly to have drinks and play cards, this is not a club with dues, or officers. No, this is a club that nobody wants to belong to. It's the club of broken hearts and betrayal.
Because I am a student and teacher of philosophy I spend a lot of time pondering things. Yesterday when I heard the news my heart hurt. It often takes being in the club to want to be around other people in the club. People in the club are often sad and vulnerable and angry, especially in the beginning, and in the middle and not as often a few years later. Not exactly good times for the most part. The sucky thing about being in the club as a veteran is that you know there isn't much you can do but say "I'm sorry Honey, I love you and it really sucks".  It just has to play out.

When I heard the news about this I immediately thought of the Kleshas and how for thousands of years wise people have known and tried to help us understand our suffering. When I am faced with a tough situation that brings suffering I ask myself "What Klesha applies to this situation?" If it's pain from a fight with my partner it may be all five, however primarily I may realize that my first pain seems to be from my attachment to my partner and my fear of losing my partner and the life we have and the life I thought we would have in the future. Then as I go through them I can recognize and start to deconstruct my pain and in doing so one by one I begin to process my pain. 

Though no one wants to belong to the club of betrayal, or the club of having a terminal illness, or a chronic illness, a disabled child, etc... often times we have no say. The universe puts us in these situations and you have no choice but to deal with it.

The silver lining is this, finding other people in the club that you can talk to and process with who offer you love and support can be very healing. They have walked the path and often you will find love in the most unexpected places.

And at the end of the day what matters is love. Not necessarily romantic love but the love from a friend, the love of self , the love a kind stranger, the love of your animals, children, family, and so on. Regardless of how much you hurt try to find your club members and get the love and support you need. 

Nuts about Healthy Living 


For National Men's Health Month the folks at Nuts.com challeneged me to share some tips and this graphic with our readers.Since I teach holistic health I thought this tied in good with the work I do.
I recently accepted a position as a Stress Management Specialist in a Medical Wellness Clinic. We promote holistic healthy living to heal disease. Now not only do we promote it we teach it and it's been proven to work.
 The fact is we are multifaceted human beings and just like the legs on a chair if one leg is broken then the chair is out of balance. It has been scientifically proven that lifestyle has a direct link to your overall health and can even reverse and heal many illnesses.

So what does Holistic Healthcare look like:

1. Eat a plant based diet. If you eat animal products then try to reduce how much you eat. Little changes can start to make a big difference. Things like nuts and seeds are a great way to get plant based protein. Start with one healthy meal a day and add nuts as one of your snacks, go to https://nuts.com/healthy-snacks for more ideas.

2. Get proper sleep, rest and meditate. Meditation changes your brain and can help your nervous system quite down so you can sleep better. One little trick I do is take the timer and set it for 5 to 15 minutes and mediate. There are many resources online to help you meditate. One very simple way is to sit comfortably and close your eyes and see what comes up, when thoughts or feeling arise then name them, such as "That is a doing thought, that is an angry thought" then allow that thought to float away like a cloud. This teaches you to become a witness observer of your thoughts which can help train your brain to control runaway anxiety. You learn you are not your thoughts.
Also eat more nuts as they have tryptophan and melatonin that help aid with sleep.

3. Get proper exercise. Try for twenty to thirty minutes a day. If this sounds like a lot to you then set small achievable goals. Often I will just tell myself I have time to walk 10 minutes on the treadmill. Find something fun to do and keep doing it. For me it's yoga and walking. Yoga stretches your lungs, massages your heart, helps circulation to drain lymph and bring oxygen to your organs and muscles.
And eating nuts helps you get the protein you need to build lean muscles.

4. Think Positive and find Community.  Find something positive everyday that you can focus on. Some ideas are to get a Pinterest account and find inspirational quotes to read. Hang out with positive people. Be mindful of your words and try to spend one whole day only saying positive things. My grandma used to tell me "If  you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all." Do things that connect you to others be it volunteering at the Humane Society, going to a spiritual center, or going to yoga class. We need community and support to be healthy, research has proven this.
The magnesium and zinc in nuts and seeds is also been shown to help with depression.

5. Proper Breathing. We come into this world on an inhale and we leave this world on an exhale. Our bodies take in oxygen when we inhale and expel carbon dioxide when we exhale. We can control our blood pressure and our nervous system simply by learning some simple breathing techniques. Here is an easy one. Sit or stand tall. Inhale and lift your arms out to the sides and up above your head with your arms in line with your ears, fully expand your lungs as you do this. Pause at the end of the inhale. As you exhale close your arms back down like big wings and bring your hands together at the center of your chest as if you were going to pray. Repeat two more times. This stretches your lungs, massages your heart and calms your nervous system. I teach this method to all my clients and students. It's the one thing they all tell me they do when I ask about their practice. It will change your life. You can do it without hands when you want to be inconspicuous.

Have a beautiful day and take care of you!

The paradox of selling yoga.

So I've been in the the yoga business for sixteen years and a practitioner for over twenty seven and have I seen a massive sea change. When I told my ex husband I wanted to teach yoga I remember him saying "Didn't that die in the 60's?.  At that time my feelings were a bit hurt but I didn't give up on my dream because I had been very sick for nearly two years and yoga got me through it. I wanted others to experience that same healing.

Living in a smaller town in the South people would say awful things about me and there would be whispers about me teaching some alternate religion. It was quite horrible, to the point that I quit telling people I taught yoga if I thought someone was going to give me a lecture about my religious beliefs and damn me to hell in the middle of the supermarket.

Fast forward ten years and I can't get away from yoga ads and a variety of yoga all over social media. There is a yoga for everything and everybody and I'm cool with that but I'm also kind of overwhelmed with it. For years I never knew when I was going to have someone come at me for playing "that Hindu" music and now it seems like everywhere I turn someone is capitalizing on yoga. And I understand it because it's my reality too. In order to let people know what I do (yoga teacher training, yoga therapy, classes, workshops etc.) I have to advertise and sell myself so people will know where to find me.

 What I want to address though is so much more. It's hard sometimes working in the world of yoga as you must sell yourself and that kind of goes against the whole "losing your ego" thing we are taught to practice. We who practice  yoga are on a journey for healing ourselves and we are often the most stressed out, overworked, struggling with insecurities, codependent, you name it people. Which is why those of us that are very good at what we do are speaking to our students the many truths we have spoken to ourselves to deal with all our own 'ism's" and pain and suffering. Yoga ask us to look at our constructed self (Ego) and see what parts of that take us away from our higher source, our connection to something bigger than ourselves (for me God). It's a crazy paradox to have to work on letting go of part of your constructed self to then turn and sell yourself, one I don't have an easy answer for but I do know what works for me.

What I have learned and what I observe is this. Most of the world gets up and goes to work and does their job and though they may seek recognition the main reason they go to work is for security and then if they are really lucky they have work that is fulfilling a higher purpose for themselves. They may have to sell themselves but it's probably not in skin tight clothes or skimpy attire doing things with their body that may look very exotic or down right odd to others. They don't have to prove their physical abilities over their education or skills.

Every time we turn around there is a new flavor or the month of yoga and a little bit of insecurity may arise in us "Are teaching the kind of yoga people want or need?" we may ask ourselves. It's almost become what feels like a competitive sport but no one, especially the yogi wants to talk about it because yogi's are suppose to be grateful and humble and kind all the time.

Here is what I have learned from these observations and what works and doesn't work for me.
Social media can be a real distraction. It is best to take breaks often from social media. When I focus on what I am doing and what my strengths are I am much happier. When I compare myself to others then that is the opposite of self care. Listing out my attributes as a yogi and a teacher helps me know what my strengths are and who I need to serve in my work. For me it's important to teach yoga in a way that address the whole person. In order to do this what works for me is to show pictures that are more gentle or serene or simply show my classes in simple postures or meditative states. This gives people the idea that we are safe, gentle, kind, contemplative which is the message I want to send.

The  best way to get burned out is to focus on what others are doing and try to keep up. Just like anything in life showing up is half the battle. It may be boring but showing up, being reliable, always being a student yourself, focusing on what you're good at and being of service are the keys to lasting as a provider of yoga and the key to a happier you. Don't worry about being the flavor of the month, it's always changing just be you and your tribe will find you.

For further understanding look to the Yoga Sutra's.
Below is the Klesha's that which keeps us in suffering. 

What does it mean to love yourself?

I have been on a quest for four years. Here is what has helped me.

How to love yourself.

1. Pay for therapy first and then get a coach if you want as well, you are worth it. You can find a way. Quit making excuses. There are free and low cost clinics everywhere. Do the research, you are worth it. Yes it will be hard, healing is hard.
2. Pay for experiences and quit spending money on stuff. Go to yoga class, find a donation class if you don't have much money. Do fun stuff now and again. Say yes to healthy adventure.
3. Once in a while really order what you want at the restaurant.  I don't always do this but the other day I wanted crab legs, I had the money so I got them. I used to feel like that was to overindulgent and it embarrassed me to get them, as if I was arrogant (how silly).
4. Don't overindulge to excess. Drink a glass of wine, not the bottle. If you eat crab legs every night you may go broke but once in a while- heck yeah!
5. Next time you have a problem before you call all your friends ask yourself what you think the answer is. Write about it. Journal about. Pray about. Sleep on it. Then call your (sane and logical) friends if you like. I bet you knew all along what to do. In the end ask your heart and your head what they think and find the middle ground.
6. Feed yourself good food. Don't tell me you don't have the money. I know all about it. There are so many healthy foods you can eat that are cheaper than fast food. Oatmeal, bananas, apples, peanut butter, beans, carrots, onions, potatoes, and on and on. Learn to cook some staples and eat those healthy leftovers because it nourishes your body and soul.
7. Get out in nature often. 
8. Meditate
9. When someone says something negative about you or to you ask yourself if it's true. If there is an element of truth in it then ask yourself what you need to do to evolve and acknowledge it and make a plan. If you objectively look at yourself and you don't feel that it's true, move past it. They are probably jealous or only trying to put you down to make themselves look better. 
10. Work on appreciation. Start taking note of what you are grateful for every day. Be in the moment when you do this and savor that feeling. If you are sitting with your dog and you are thinking "I love this dog" then do that, don't be thinking about the bills, conciously change your thought patterns when they arise.
11. Make a list of things you like to do and do them. 
12. Set your timer and do what needs to be done and then give yourself some "me" time when the buzzer goes off. 
13. Exercise. I hate hardcore exercise. I love to walk and do yoga, so that's what I do. If I don't have a lot of time I do 10 minutes of walking and 15 minutes of yoga. I double that on days I do have time. Do it because it makes you healthy, if you look better that's a added benefit.
14. Find someone or some group you relate to and see them at least once a week. Church, book club, yoga class, knitting group. People who have a community live longer and happier lives, it's scientifically proven. I have a Monday night yoga class I attend and teach sometimes, I dare not miss it, it it my life line.
15. Drink water, it makes you feel better, hydrates your skin and internal organs and flushes toxins.
16. Say affirmations in the positive present tense. "I am smart, I am honest, I am financially secure, I am happy, I am beautiful, I am a healthy weight, I am debt free." Okay so they may not be true "right now" but that's not the point. Your start to believe they are true and your body and mind start to do the things that make them happen. Trust me, this works miracles!
17. Do visualization. Visualize the things you want and need in your life. I don't mean to be materialistic but lets say you want to be debt free. Visualize the steps it takes to get there and the final result. See yourself taking actions in your life to do these things, and think about how it feels. 
18. Become a problem solver. What are the obstacles in your life? What do you need to do to overcome them? Who and what are your resources? Identify and then do it! Overcome those darn obstacles, call on those friends. Spend that tax return on some counseling!
19. Write down all your good qualities and read them out loud. 
20. If you have a problem seek help. Ask for help until someone guides you. In the end you have to do the work and YOU ARE WORTH IT! 

My love to you,
Courtney

The Principals of  a Healthy Life 

Nature VS Nurture

In college I wrote a research paper on this subject for a class on special needs children. In my heart I always wanted to believe that nurture could trump nature. Then I turned forty. Around my fortieth birthday I was working for the countries largest non profit doing community work like bringing farmers markets and nutrition counseling to a diverse group of people. I was fortunate enough to be able to receive some amazing training in the social aspects of choices. This was one of my first wake up calls to how nurture or environment can impact our health. The lack of choices and opportunities we have greatly impact our ability to care for ourselves. If we can't get out and safely walk or have no access to workout facilities then it's hard to exercise. If there are no stores near us besides dollar stores and convenience stores then it's hard to get fresh fruits and veggies. If you worked all day for $50 and you come home and your kid want's a Happy Meal for $4 you are more likely to give in because you are exhausted and you want to see your child happy and it something you "can" do. People are much more likely to be obese when they live in poverty due to these factors, yet our society berates them.
About a year ago my fiance who is a world class athlete and has been an athlete for forty three years was having chest pains. He went to the doctor and found out he needed bypass surgery. His arteries were 80 to 90 percent clogged. Had he waited six months he would have been dead. In 43 years he probably hasn't missed a week of exercise. His diet has mostly been made up of Southern cooking for the 57 years he has been on earth. The past eight years he has been eating very healthy. At the end of the day it was determined that his blockages were mostly related to his family genes.
As I write this one of my dearest friends is in the hospital after aortic valve replacement surgery. She is forty five. She and I own a health and fitness business together, we are both very active. She is vegan, a yoga teacher, by all accounts lives an incredibly healthy life. A few months back she started to clear her throat, she was very tired all the time and feeling weak. One day while in a parking lot a man backed into her car hard enough to hurt her back. She went to the doctor only to discover the heart murmur she had was much worse and actually she needed major surgery to save her life. Again this was something that runs in her family, her mother and her cousin both have the same condition.
 Then there is my own history with Poly-cystic  Ovarian Syndrome which is an endocrine disorder that affects your entire endocrine system. In fact I also have thyroid disease and blood sugar issues. My grandmother, aunt, and cousin all have the same exact issues.
So this may sound all doom and gloom as if there is nothing you can do about it, your fate is in your genes and your destiny. Well there is hope. It is my belief that because I have taken such good care of myself I have staved off diabetes, excessive weight gain and a whole host of issues that come along with my diagnosis. My friends and fiance and I often remark that given our genes we can't imagine where we would be if we hadn't lived such healthy lives. In fact my fiance and dear friend may be dead already. I could likely be suffering much worse from the whole host of issues that come with P.C.O.S. and thyroid disease.
It can be frustrating to know that you eat healthy, workout, take vitamins and go to the doctor and still develop an illness or chronic disease. It can be a struggle to not have access to the things that contribute to a healthier lifestyle. Many years ago I suffered with a horrible eating disorder, bulimia and anorexia from the age of twelve to eighteen. I'm convinced that a host of my stomach troubles have been attributed to the laxative abuse, purging, and binge starve cycle I put my body through during those years I was developing. If I could say anything to men and women out there today is to not sacrifice your long term health for short term gain. It is a huge weight on me to know that I did some of this to myself.
On a positive note, during that time I started to learn about eating healthy and exercise. I've exercised since I was young taking dance, ballet, and eventually was doing aerobics and weight lifting. In my late teens I discovered yoga which led to a dramatic change in my life style. Since I was eighteen years old I have walked, done yoga and eaten a very healthy diet. I've been poor at times and had to do with what I had. I am so grateful that for the past twenty seven years I've cared for my body. My skin looks much younger than it is at 44, I'm a healthy weight, overall I have aged really well, plus once you start living healthy you feel so good and when you eat bad you recognize what poison it is to your body.. Sickness is rare for me. Now as I go into have my ovaries and scar tissue removed next month I feel assured that there is a good chance I will recover much quicker because of my healthy history and lifestyle. Food and exercise are powerful medicines to the body.
To sum it up caring for yourself will lead to aging better, feeling better, and recovering quicker. My fiance is competing in a World Competition in Tae Kwon Do next week in Italy against hundreds of other black belts over 45. He had quintuple bypass ten months ago. Had it not been for his good overall health going into surgery I have no doubt any of this would have been possible.
It is never to late to start caring for yourself. If you are young don't wait you are setting yourself up now for your future, studies show heart disease actually starts in your childhood!
Here are some tips I've learned over my years of living a healthy life and empowering others to live a healthy life.

1. If you live in a food desert (without much access to healthy foods) there are still foods you can eat healthy. Foods you can find at a dollar store: Tortillas, beans (dried and canned), salsa, occasionally frozen veggies in some stores, frozen chicken breast in some stores, whole grain bread, cereal, oatmeal, nuts, honey, peanut butter, canned fruit it it's own juice *usually pineapple, low fat milk and cheese. Some ideas would be to make a pot of dried beans flavored with spices or broth and a pan of cornbread, breakfast could be oatmeal with pineapple and walnuts, another meal could be burritos with black beans, shredded cheese and salsa. Baked or sauteed chicken with veggies and milk to drink.
2. If you eat a lot of fast food. Some people eat a lot of fast food, two or three times a day. If you do this try things like Bean Burritos with Pico, Chicken Tacos, Grilled Chicken with veggies, water instead of soda, chicken wraps. If you still want the burger and fries try taking it slow and getting only the burger or only the fries, or try replacing one meal a day with a healthier version. Also eating one or two meals at home or packing your lunch.  My teens make me crazy with fast food. When they are broke I encourage taking meals to work instead of giving them money. My daughter just packed a bowl of whole grain cereal and low fat milk to take to work. The other day my son took a banana, a granola bar, a peanut butter and honey sandwich on whole grain bread and a bottle of water.
3. If you eat out a lot. There are so many hidden fats and calories in food that is prepared in a restaurant. I eat out about five times a week. Choose lower carb options like grilled meats or baked meats (fish, chicken, shrimp and an occasional steak), veggies with out all the topping or minimize those toppings, avoid the bread basket (tell them not to bring it), drink water with lemon. At Mexican restaurants only allow yourself a limited amount of chips and choose salsa or guacamole over cheese dip. Veggie based dishes like spinach quesadillas or enchiladas will help you get your veggies. I eat a Mexican dish of shrimp sauteed with pico and eat beans without rice. If you go to an Italian restaurant choose a dish that is based with fish or chicken. I don't recommend eating white pasta or bread. Fill up on salad or broth based soups. Then if you must have pasta choose a whole grain or gluten free pasta and put half in a to go container.
4. At home: Make smoothies with greens like spinach and don't use to much juice, it adds calories ans sugar. Dr. Oz's magazine has so many easy and healthy ideas. Pick them up at the Dollar stores or Walmart. Add fruit and nuts to your oatmeal, cereal or yogurt. To make a good salad add a variety of veggies and use a base of spinach or spring greens. Iceberg is only good for wedge salads. Keep veggie based soups. Learn to make a soup base it's easy. Saute chopped celery, onions, and carrots in a small amount of butter or olive oil, add broth and veggies, then add cooked meat. Use beef broth with beef, chicken with chicken broth etc.... This is an easy way to get veggies and so good.
Learn the basics of cooking. Start eating whole foods, you don't need a lot of recipes.  A healthy diet should consist of whole foods like veggies, fruits, lean proteins and whole grains. Minimize dairy, processed foods, and sugar based foods and watch the bread, pasta and rice. On grains you want to eat brown rice, quinoa, and things like oats. Americans eat entirely to many grains, they are high in carbs and the body turns them into sugar when we consume to much. Grains need to be eaten with protein to slow down the body turning them into sugar.
5. Exercise: Find something you like. I go through bought of lifting weights and other strength training but that is not what I like. I like to do yoga, walk and dance. I've been consistently walking and doing yoga for over 27 years. It makes me happy. Find what makes you happy and keep it up. When your body doesn't get exercise it deteriorates. You lose muscle mass and collagen. Exercise regulates your circulatory system, stimulates your immune system, exercises your repository system, regulates hormones and so much more. Even when you don't feel good a little bit of exercise can make a difference. For me exercise is like taking an ibuprofen but instead of taking medicine I exercise or eat right. Headaches, back pain, tummy issues can all be helped by proper diet and exercise. Keep it up for life and you will experience less illness and chronic pain. You will also recover better when you are ill. If you are chronically ill then start slow and do a short 10 minute walk or a 5 or 10 minute yoga video. A little bit is better than nothing. Celebrate your accomplishments.
6. Positive Thinking and Meditation- I include this because I believe that how we think is what we become. Find the positive in your life, make plans, have a spiritual practice, read positive material, listen to positive music, seek out positive mentors. It's important to have a community of positive people in your life. Who you hang around is who you will become. Negativity breeds negativity, seek out positive people. Don't let yourself be exposed to much negative media.
 7. Sleep- The importance of sleep on our bodies cannot be over stated. Sleep regulates our hormones, fights infection and keeps us in a state of balance. A regular sleep pattern will keep you healthy and happy. Go to bed and get up at roughly the same time. If you have irregular sleep patterns then set a time that you will go to bed and get up. Avoid caffeine at least six to eight hours before you will go to bed, turn off blue lights (computers, phones, games and t.v.) at least an hour before bed. Use yellow colored night lights in your house to promote an increase in melatonin in your brain. Turn the overhead lights out and lamps on in the evening. Workout earlier in the day or evening, to close to bedtime can stimulate you to much. Drink herbal teas like chamomile or Valerian to stimulate natural sleep.
8. Proper Breathing - Learn some type of breathing exercises. Proper oxygen intake and learning to expel carbon dioxide efficiently is essential to muscle and organ health. Our bodies need oxygen to survive and we expel carbon dioxide as our bodies pull waste material out through respiration. A simple one is diaphragmatic breathing. This type of breathing can increase your lung capacity, decrease the symptoms of asthma and other lung conditions, increase energy and regulate your nervous system.
Diaphragmatic breathing technique or Durga Breath : Breathe in (Inhale) until you cannot take in anymore oxygen, then hold your breathe with your lungs full for a moment or as long as you are comfortable to expand your lungs a bit more, then exhale completely blowing the air out until you feel you cannot exhale anymore, make sure you pull the diaphragm in and up by pulling your naval back towards your spine. Repeat. If you get dizzy stop.

These principals are not uncommon. In Sivananda yoga these are actually referred to as the five principals of yoga : Proper Exercise, Sleep, Nutrition, Positive Thinking, and proper Breathing.
Though these principals were codified by Swami Sivananda they are basic principals we know from Eastern and Western Medicine help us to leave a balanced and healthy life.

In Love and Light,
Courtney Butler

 (c) 2015 All rights reserved Courtney Butler and Balance Yoga and Wellness

Resources:
Sivanada Institute, Sivananda.org
Phd. in Parenting Blog for graphic

Being Human
My thoughts on Radical Compassion - Accepting Your Humanness

You are in charge-The only healer in the world is found inside of you. Call it God, your Higher Power, The Universe, Inner Wisdom, I don't care but I know for nearly forty five years I have been on a quest for growth. The journey to grow, heal, and love is something that we will be on till the day we cross over. From my experience this is what I feel fairly confident in saying:

1.You are on a journey called life and in every positive and negative situation you encounter there is a lesson that can help you grow. If you choose to see the lesson you will find a gift in even the worst circumstances, it may not be instant however upon inspection you will find something positive if you choose to. For instance lets take the unimaginable - Every day someone dies, you lose your beloved or even your child. The gift is the time you had with that person, the relationships you now take the time to cherish with those still present in your life physically that you may have taken for granted. Letting go and surrendering to the present moment of goodness with loved ones because you know all to well that it will not last forever.Sure the pain is horrible, nearly imaginable but even in the midst of our greatest pain there is something good that can come out of it.

2. There is no Big Break or One person who can change you. In my profession as a yoga teacher, school instructor people often have some pretty lofty ideas about the public persona they see. I've had a few people say things to me such as "You have all this knowledge and I expected to learn more from you." Well here's the deal, I am human. I've spent 30 years literally on this journey out of my 44 years on earth. I've studied and meditated and taught for thousands of hours. I and no one else can impart those years on you if you are not willing to go through them yourself.  I cannot do that for you and neither can anyone else. You may gain a nugget from me but your change comes from within.

3. Life is simply a series of moments put together so let go of expecting every day to be dessert.
Most days life is meat, potato's and broccoli. Dessert comes once in a while with something like the birth of a baby, a wedding, a birthday, or falling in love but most days are fairly normal meat and potato days. If you choose to stop and enjoy each day and live in the present moment you can find meaning and satisfaction in each day. We would be very obese if life were like dessert every day, we would be out of balance. Accepting this will help you appreciate each day for what it is. The gift of quietly having coffee in the morning, of taking your kids to school, kissing your loved one, of owning a home or whatever you have. Also, understand that you have a natural rhythm, times when you are tired, worn out, and not at your best. Understanding yourself and being aware of when you are at your best will help you be more productive and more forgiving of yourself. Your best will change from day to day. If your sick your best will be different from when you feel well and energetic.
Gratitude for the daily nuts and bolts will radically change you.

4. Self Esteem comes with Radical Self Compassion- I have taught thousands of people. I've led many yoga classes, trained many teachers, taught private clients, facilitated meditations and yoga therapy. I have come to believe that low self esteem is directly related to unrealistic expectations people place on themselves and others. Have you seen the quote that says "If you think it's easy to change someone else think of how hard it is to change yourself". Once we let go of controlling others our world opens up. The only thing we can control is ourselves. If you can take someones awful behavior and think "Why is this person doing this?", chances are your will notice it's probably fear. Most people behave out of simple act of trying to avoid pain. This will help you be more compassionate. When you look at yourself and ask "What am I getting out of this thing I do that is either positive or negative?", then you will start to see that we get a payoff from everything we do. For instance I was in a negative abusive relationship for over twenty years. The payoff was that I didn't have to change, I didn't have to live alone, I had financial security. That was huge. I was so scared of change that I struggled for twenty years to make it work. I can choose to see those twenty years as a waste or as part of my path and my lesson and recognize that there were some positive times and and things that came from them. When we recongnize  another person is in pain and acting out of fear we can forgive. I let go of that relationship because I finally accepted that I could only change myself and my reactions, what I was doing wasn't working. I was trying to control the other person through my expectations. They weren't changing and so I was miserable because I kept expecting things to change. Then I realized the only way to make change is to change my situation. I had to have a lot of compassion for myself and accepted that I was human and fallible. Everyone is human, fallible, makes mistake and is on a journey.

5. It's okay to show your warts.When I was younger I loved going to my friends grandparents. They lived in a virtual shack. It was tidy but small and broken down. They had a garden and plants everywhere. They always had something on the stove and always had us sit at the little two person table and would feed us something from their garden. They always turned off the t.v. when we came in and visited with us. They smiled and they hugged us and they ask questions about us. I didn't care that the house was old, that they were old, or that they didn't have money. That's not why I was there. Quit worrying about possessions and what you have being good enough. It's better to be loving and care about other people. It's how you make people feel that matters. Be curious, ask people "How are you?" and then shut your mouth and listen. Be willing to be imperfect and be willing to admit your trying to figure this life out also. And remember to give hugs, smile, and share your gifts because you will feel so good and so will the other person.

6. You will fall over and over again, but eventually you will walk. All things are hard before they are easy. I get a little crazy over this one. This world of social media has turned a whole generation of people into thinking things should be easy and automatic. Life is work, it's hard. You have to put in the effort to get the results. I can't make you an awesome yoga teacher in 9 months, I can impart the wisdom I have been handed down and the theory but until you get out there and work you will be like a new foal learning to walk. This is a metaphor for life. Everything you start new you will stumble, you will make mistakes but eventually you will improve. This goes for not just work but setting boundaries, practicing self love, and all new behaviors in life. Be kind to yourself, laugh at yourself in a good way, be willing to stumble or else you will never walk. If you expect to walk right away and you just give up the first time you stumble, you will be crawling on your knees for a long time, and quite frankly that hurts.

7. Big Changes come through small actions: Simple improvements in your life can change your whole life for the better. Here is one example from my own past, the young mother is me.  A young mother feels she needs to keep a clean house and have her kids in many activities (which she can't really afford) in order to be a good mother. She is so ragged she snaps at her kids and her husband because she is worn out and broke. One day she picks up a parenting magazine and reads an article that says "Set a timer for 10 minutes and have everyone clean for 10 minutes and then spend some time with you kids." She goes on to put this into practice in everything in her life. Many years later said mom is doing this with everything, she sets a timer to write, workout, clean house, and more. She accepts that there is a "good enough". She tells her kids they can do one thing each year but they must complete it. She quits running herself ragged thus she is more positive and less crazy feeling. She accepts that her kids activities don't have to fit into a box of what society says is successful. Kids playing on the playground and going to the park and library is just as beneficial as being in basketball, track, chess club, and so on. She recognizes that an hour spent pushing her kid on the swing and sharing an ice cream will build her kid up and build good memories for about $2.50.

8. Be willing to make mistakes, get messy, and have a great attitude - Your life will change.
I was born with an innate gift, God put in me this seed called "What's the worst thing that can happen?". Since I was little I've been willing to risk being a fool. Basketball circa 1985 I ran the wrong way in 7th grade and make a basket for the other team. That would be only one of the many times I've risked looking foolish. I've learned to laugh at myself. I was so klutzy growing up that everyone blamed everything on me: If my friend broke something valuable she would tell her parents it was me because they would understand "Oh that Courtney, bless her heart, she can't help it". On the other hand I was also the first one to run to someones aide that needed help. I developed a reputation for caring for everyone, the outcast, the popular girls, I did not have a compass in me that pointed to only one type of person to befriend. Once at the county fair a man in a wheelchair fell out of his wheelchair on the floor, the people around him parted like the Red Sea. I was 14 and about 100 lbs. I ran over and put him back in the chair, never once thought about it. My friend said "Do you realize you were the only one who went to help him?" That was the day I realized I had the gift of compassion. It opened up my world. I felt good about myself and I knew I was a good person. It would take years to develop my self esteem and I am still working on it 30 years later but one thing I know is it is worth it to risk looking foolish, to help someone and to laugh at yourself. Not taking life to seriously sure makes it more bearable.

With Love and Light,
Courtney

Depression, Anxiety, Yoga and the Kindness of Others

Recently I felt as if I were in a black hole. I'll admit it, me the yoga instructor to the instructors. Try as I might I can't please everyone and I really don't like it. Being a single mom of four kids ages 17 to 21 I am brought to my knees often and completely aware as hard as I try I am not perfect, I know it and those young faces know it. I am a pleaser and when people don't like me or expect me to be something I am not I feel sad for disappointing them. Often because I am in the public eye and on "center stage" I believe people expect me to sit in lotus position and emit great knowledge from sages of the past. When the truth is after almost three decades of yoga practice what I know is I don't know jack!
Compared to the wisdom that is out there: if there is an ocean, and that ocean is yoga and a yoga practitioner who has practiced one year has a drop, I have a bucket. I can't give someone a bucket in a year but I can love them, I can guide them and I can add a few more drops, but the majority of  the drop collecting will be up to them. And you know what?  I "Want" to give them the drops, but they are only gathered by the work that goes into collecting them. So I am left feeling kinda rung out at times. And sometimes I focus on what I am not able to do.

So back to the depression and guilt as a result of me taking everything personal and not feeling that I can give enough. The gift to me is I know that I can only allow myself to go there for a little bit at a time, pull back the curtain and peek, then hurry and grab the tool box and get to work. It's a gift  to have these tools at my disposal, gifts like breath work, yoga postures, meditation, positive thinking and many, many books on meditation. I've got all of Oprah's inspirational shows recorded if none of those things do the trick.
So lately I have been doing all of those things and well it's like the black turned to gray but there was no sunshine. Now given we have had one day of sunshine in about six months (okay it's been three weeks but it feels like six months) so maybe it is S.A.D. (Seasonal Effective Disorder). So I was frustrated, logically I know I am a good person and I am good at what I do, that I am a good mother and it's normal for kids to wear you down and run over you when you are exhausted.
So all the self talk, The Four Agreements, telling my loved ones "dang I am depressed"...NADA, zilch, nothing was working.

Then suddenly over the past few days a few people out of the blue said some really nice things to me like "You are a great teacher" and someone (a former female student) I haven't seen in years emailed me and said "I love you and I miss you". Sunshine appeared. You know the whole point of this was that the kindness of someone taking a few seconds to type or say something kind to me really helped me, it reminded me that I do good things, and others do see it and though we shouldn't seek outside of ourselves to much for approval sometimes you can't underestimate the power of a kind word. So I went to my phone and texted a friend and I said " I was thinking of you and I wanted you to know I am glad we are friends."

So my call to you is that if you think of someone fondly take the time to text, email, call or tell them what they mean to you. It could turn gray sky blue.